Home10 Things Not To Do... At All Costs
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10 Things Not To Do... At All Costs
TimeDragon888 Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:47 am
Originally posted by Wstfgl on 14 Jan 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=247398#p247398
It sounded like a good idea at the time. For the hell of it. Well, it's worth a try, right? These excuses and others have been used to justify all sorts of illegal, impossible, insane, suicidal and simply plain stupid acts. If someone gets hurt, you JUST might get away with it, but still... there are some actions that no excuse, not even the most noble ones of them all, can justify. To prevent the unfortunate loss of your immortal soul through the committing of these actions, I will enlighten you as to what they are.
10. Standing on a tall hilltop during a thunderstorm while wearing wet copper armour and boldly declaring your heretical nature/atheism to the universe
Remember, kids... do not try this at home. Or anywhere else, for that matter. This is a sure-fire way to get your central nervous system incinerated by a stray (or possibly intentional) bolt of lightning.
A case example is the death of Priest Oogleboogle. Believing that his faith in TimeDragon888 would shield him from all harm, he climbed Mount Thingy (3000 ft) during a thunderstorm while wearing ceremonial copper ornaments and boldly challenged all other Gods in the universe to smite him if they dared. Confident that they would not dare to strike him, he stood there for about 15 minutes before being struck by a 100% natural bolt of lightning formed through naturally-occurring weather processes.
When TimeDragon888 was contacted, he ascertained that there was no divine involvement in Oogleboogle's death.
9. Jumping into a Meat Grinder
Even if jumping into one is required to recover a personal article of great value, like the wallet containing your life savings or the leg that you just lost to the meat grinder, or even if Bill Gates' credit card was up for grabs in one, jumping into a meat grinder is still one of the most highly inadvisable things to do. And don't do it for the hell of it or to impress your friends, as corned beef tells no tales.
As the Boocke of Additional Pylons has stated, "Thou shalt not jump into the instruments used in processed meat preparation, lest thou be turned into itty bitty chunks of meate." Despite this passage being written in the Mud Age millennia ago, it is still highly relevant in our modern, fast-changing society.
8. Simply Walking Into Mordor
Don't do this. Even if you are crusading against dark forces in the name of the Triumvirate, if you die while doing this highly inadvisable action, we will not grant eternal salvation to your soul to prevent Heaven from being sullied by your foolishness. The only person who has attempted this and survived is Bear Grylls. And you, my friend, are not Bear Grylls.
The reason why the episode Man v. Wild: Mordor was never released on tape was because the photographers and camera crew who were simply walking into Mordor to film the episode vanished without a trace.
7. Referring to yourself in the third person
Remember, kids -- YOU ARE NOT BOB DOLE. So, don't start referring to yourself in the third person repeatedly, or you might suffer from migraine, persistent headaches, insanity, hallucinations, death, the loss of your immortal soul, having a wormhole materialize inside your skull, being torn into pieces by tidal forces from black holes, spontaneously imploding, and halitosis.
A case in point is Harry. H. Harrison, an aspiring fan-fiction writer. Once, while writing a fanfic with himself as the main character, he referred to himself in the third person one too many times, and was found in a circle ten feet wide in his studio apartment. In other words, he was evenly distributed across a circle ten feet wide.
6. Meddling in the affairs of Dragons
This is one of the worst ideas ever, and doing so will probably have you shortlisted for this year's Darwin Awards. If you need further explanation as to why this is inadvisable, just remember that you are crunchy and taste good with mustard and fried onions.
A textbook example of this is the demise of Steve Earwig, a zoologist who specialized in the study of dragons. After vanishing for 6 months during the filming of a documentary series, The Private Affairs of Dragons, Steve's skeletal remains were found in a vacated Dragon nest. The bones were cracked open to get at the marrow, and tests revealed traces of onion and mustard.
5. Multiclassing a Bard and a Necromancer
The insidious whisperings of the bots who advocate the use of 'Lich Vocalists' are not to be trusted. Remember that in the opinion of Ultimate Aries, the Bard is one of the worst character classes of all possible histories (topped only by the Mary Sue, BardBot, MaryBot, MaryBard, and MaryBardBot (mostly different multiclasses of Bard), and sullying the reputation of Necromancers will often result in some quite painful smiting.
Despite the archaic text and translation errors, this event is true. If you REALLY want to do it, just remember that we aren't going to save your eternal soul.
4. Taking a kobold's candle
The kobold might appear to be very weak, with a Level of 1 and a measly 140 HP and 8 attack, but that can all change if you take the candle that it carries on top of its head. The candle, when removed, will restore the kobold's power to over 9000, and make it capable of beating even High Overlord Saurfang in single combat. Even the kobolds fear this release of power, as it could lead to the end of all life as we know it; they express this with their cry of "No Take Candle!" And of course, never attempt to remove the candles from an entire horde of Kobolds.
This fatal error has been repeated countless times; witness the accumulations of skeletons in kobold tunnels.
3. Opening a fish restaurant/store on the site of an ancient Fish-god temple on Dagon street on the night of the full moon
This is one of the most documented Epic Fails in all of history, despite its occurrence being extremely rare. The last time it has occurred ended in tragedy, and is recounted below by one of the few surviving witnesses of the incident - Mr. J. J. Johnson, otherwise known as the raving hobo outside the Church compound.
"Mr. Hong, the funny-speaking *hic* foreign guy, wanted to open a *hic* fish and chips *hic* shop on the site of the old fish-god *hic* temple on *hic* Dagon Street," Mr. Johnson rambled in between swigs of whiskey. "And being a superstitious *hic* foreign type, he chose to open the *hic* shop on the night of the full moon *hic*. Said it was good foong shooey, he did. Yes, my word. Ge hid. *hic* Ooh, a rosebush!" He ceased his account at this point, claiming that it was too horrible to continue, but after some [s]violent coercion[/s] prodding, we got an account of what happened.
"It was *hic* terrible, I tell you, TERRIBLE!" he said, trembling. "We couldn't see *hic* Mr. Hong in the mass *hic* of slimy tentacles, but there were lots of TERRIBLE gristly sounds and *hic screams! It was horrible! HORRIBLE!" After plying him with more whiskey, we heard some more of the story. "And there was this weird eldritch smell of *hic* rotting fish *hic*, and th-there were *hic* squamous rumblings coming from the *hic ground! Ho-horrible, I tell you! You do not want to-" We plied him with more whiskey, but he passed out shortly after, so we could not recollect the rest of the story. However, what we know was that there was no trace of Mr. Hong or the shop after the incident except for a kidney and half a shin bone.
2. Making herculehastings upset
This is probably one of the most heinous, unforgivable actions ever, and SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED AT ALL COSTS, even if a psychopath was threatening you to do it at gunpoint. Even if herculehastings, with godly benevolence, forgives your rash actions, DayDreamer or one of his alternate personalities will make you wish you had been shot by the psychopath instead.
There are many documented incidences of this event, and their extremely gory nature probably means that they should not be recounted here.
1. Feeding Wstfgl
Even if you have the best of intentions, doing this will almost invariably reward you with 800 tons of stone tortoise slamming into you from the sky ... if you're lucky. So, remember never to leave food on an Altar to the Random Turtle God. And TimeDragon will probably smite you too for stealing his only job.
Remember, this is doubly inadvisable if you are offering cake.
Even the holy man Boingboingboing, held in high regard by Wstfgl, was destroyed for his sins. Do you think that you stand a chance?
And that concludes Wstfgl's 10 things Not To Do Before You Die. Thank you for your attention.
10 Things Not To Do... At All Costs
It sounded like a good idea at the time. For the hell of it. Well, it's worth a try, right? These excuses and others have been used to justify all sorts of illegal, impossible, insane, suicidal and simply plain stupid acts. If someone gets hurt, you JUST might get away with it, but still... there are some actions that no excuse, not even the most noble ones of them all, can justify. To prevent the unfortunate loss of your immortal soul through the committing of these actions, I will enlighten you as to what they are.
10. Standing on a tall hilltop during a thunderstorm while wearing wet copper armour and boldly declaring your heretical nature/atheism to the universe
Remember, kids... do not try this at home. Or anywhere else, for that matter. This is a sure-fire way to get your central nervous system incinerated by a stray (or possibly intentional) bolt of lightning.
A case example is the death of Priest Oogleboogle. Believing that his faith in TimeDragon888 would shield him from all harm, he climbed Mount Thingy (3000 ft) during a thunderstorm while wearing ceremonial copper ornaments and boldly challenged all other Gods in the universe to smite him if they dared. Confident that they would not dare to strike him, he stood there for about 15 minutes before being struck by a 100% natural bolt of lightning formed through naturally-occurring weather processes.
When TimeDragon888 was contacted, he ascertained that there was no divine involvement in Oogleboogle's death.
9. Jumping into a Meat Grinder
Even if jumping into one is required to recover a personal article of great value, like the wallet containing your life savings or the leg that you just lost to the meat grinder, or even if Bill Gates' credit card was up for grabs in one, jumping into a meat grinder is still one of the most highly inadvisable things to do. And don't do it for the hell of it or to impress your friends, as corned beef tells no tales.
As the Boocke of Additional Pylons has stated, "Thou shalt not jump into the instruments used in processed meat preparation, lest thou be turned into itty bitty chunks of meate." Despite this passage being written in the Mud Age millennia ago, it is still highly relevant in our modern, fast-changing society.
8. Simply Walking Into Mordor
Don't do this. Even if you are crusading against dark forces in the name of the Triumvirate, if you die while doing this highly inadvisable action, we will not grant eternal salvation to your soul to prevent Heaven from being sullied by your foolishness. The only person who has attempted this and survived is Bear Grylls. And you, my friend, are not Bear Grylls.
The reason why the episode Man v. Wild: Mordor was never released on tape was because the photographers and camera crew who were simply walking into Mordor to film the episode vanished without a trace.
7. Referring to yourself in the third person
Remember, kids -- YOU ARE NOT BOB DOLE. So, don't start referring to yourself in the third person repeatedly, or you might suffer from migraine, persistent headaches, insanity, hallucinations, death, the loss of your immortal soul, having a wormhole materialize inside your skull, being torn into pieces by tidal forces from black holes, spontaneously imploding, and halitosis.
A case in point is Harry. H. Harrison, an aspiring fan-fiction writer. Once, while writing a fanfic with himself as the main character, he referred to himself in the third person one too many times, and was found in a circle ten feet wide in his studio apartment. In other words, he was evenly distributed across a circle ten feet wide.
6. Meddling in the affairs of Dragons
This is one of the worst ideas ever, and doing so will probably have you shortlisted for this year's Darwin Awards. If you need further explanation as to why this is inadvisable, just remember that you are crunchy and taste good with mustard and fried onions.
A textbook example of this is the demise of Steve Earwig, a zoologist who specialized in the study of dragons. After vanishing for 6 months during the filming of a documentary series, The Private Affairs of Dragons, Steve's skeletal remains were found in a vacated Dragon nest. The bones were cracked open to get at the marrow, and tests revealed traces of onion and mustard.
5. Multiclassing a Bard and a Necromancer
The insidious whisperings of the bots who advocate the use of 'Lich Vocalists' are not to be trusted. Remember that in the opinion of Ultimate Aries, the Bard is one of the worst character classes of all possible histories (topped only by the Mary Sue, BardBot, MaryBot, MaryBard, and MaryBardBot (mostly different multiclasses of Bard), and sullying the reputation of Necromancers will often result in some quite painful smiting.
The Boocke of ForTheHellOfIt wrote:And Aries saw Tim multiclassing Necromancer and Barde, and it was not goode. And Aries was wrathfulle, as Tim had broken the sacred covenante of the ForTheHellOfIt tribe, and was judged naughty in his sighte. And Aries smote Tim with the summoninge of a Great Old One, and nothinge was left of the traitore Tim but a kidneye and a smalle balle of earwaxe.
Despite the archaic text and translation errors, this event is true. If you REALLY want to do it, just remember that we aren't going to save your eternal soul.
4. Taking a kobold's candle
The kobold might appear to be very weak, with a Level of 1 and a measly 140 HP and 8 attack, but that can all change if you take the candle that it carries on top of its head. The candle, when removed, will restore the kobold's power to over 9000, and make it capable of beating even High Overlord Saurfang in single combat. Even the kobolds fear this release of power, as it could lead to the end of all life as we know it; they express this with their cry of "No Take Candle!" And of course, never attempt to remove the candles from an entire horde of Kobolds.
This fatal error has been repeated countless times; witness the accumulations of skeletons in kobold tunnels.
3. Opening a fish restaurant/store on the site of an ancient Fish-god temple on Dagon street on the night of the full moon
This is one of the most documented Epic Fails in all of history, despite its occurrence being extremely rare. The last time it has occurred ended in tragedy, and is recounted below by one of the few surviving witnesses of the incident - Mr. J. J. Johnson, otherwise known as the raving hobo outside the Church compound.
"Mr. Hong, the funny-speaking *hic* foreign guy, wanted to open a *hic* fish and chips *hic* shop on the site of the old fish-god *hic* temple on *hic* Dagon Street," Mr. Johnson rambled in between swigs of whiskey. "And being a superstitious *hic* foreign type, he chose to open the *hic* shop on the night of the full moon *hic*. Said it was good foong shooey, he did. Yes, my word. Ge hid. *hic* Ooh, a rosebush!" He ceased his account at this point, claiming that it was too horrible to continue, but after some [s]violent coercion[/s] prodding, we got an account of what happened.
"It was *hic* terrible, I tell you, TERRIBLE!" he said, trembling. "We couldn't see *hic* Mr. Hong in the mass *hic* of slimy tentacles, but there were lots of TERRIBLE gristly sounds and *hic screams! It was horrible! HORRIBLE!" After plying him with more whiskey, we heard some more of the story. "And there was this weird eldritch smell of *hic* rotting fish *hic*, and th-there were *hic* squamous rumblings coming from the *hic ground! Ho-horrible, I tell you! You do not want to-" We plied him with more whiskey, but he passed out shortly after, so we could not recollect the rest of the story. However, what we know was that there was no trace of Mr. Hong or the shop after the incident except for a kidney and half a shin bone.
2. Making herculehastings upset
This is probably one of the most heinous, unforgivable actions ever, and SHOULD NOT BE ATTEMPTED AT ALL COSTS, even if a psychopath was threatening you to do it at gunpoint. Even if herculehastings, with godly benevolence, forgives your rash actions, DayDreamer or one of his alternate personalities will make you wish you had been shot by the psychopath instead.
There are many documented incidences of this event, and their extremely gory nature probably means that they should not be recounted here.
1. Feeding Wstfgl
Even if you have the best of intentions, doing this will almost invariably reward you with 800 tons of stone tortoise slamming into you from the sky ... if you're lucky. So, remember never to leave food on an Altar to the Random Turtle God. And TimeDragon will probably smite you too for stealing his only job.
Remember, this is doubly inadvisable if you are offering cake.
The Book of Smoking Craters wrote:And the High Prophet Boingboingboing, giving thanks and showering praises upon Wstfgl, ceremoniously placed cake on the Altar. And high above, Wstfgl received his delectable offering with joy, and bit into it. But the cake was the lie, and Wstfgl tasted it to be not good. And a voice of thunder and donuts boomed, "Boingboingboing has sinned against the Great God Wstfgl, and will be punished in turn!" And a beam of sparkly blue light descended from the heavens and smote Boingboingboing upon the forehead, and he promptly snuffed it.
Even the holy man Boingboingboing, held in high regard by Wstfgl, was destroyed for his sins. Do you think that you stand a chance?
And that concludes Wstfgl's 10 things Not To Do Before You Die. Thank you for your attention.
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