Dr Kyo's Heretic Lecture

[TimeDragon888]

Originally posted by Kyo on 5 May 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=284250#p284250

DR KYO'S HERETIC LECTURE PART 1

Good Day. Today I Doctor(self-proclaimed) Kyosuke Yamashita, also known as Dr. Kyo or Dr. Yama, will be conducting a lecture on the inner workings of the average heretic.
I begin this by referring to the previous lectures of my dear colleague DayDramer. Notice that first of all he is not Doctor Daydreamer. Secondly note that I was quite certain that that cadaver was not quite…dead. This, however, does not concern me that much as live subjects are often much more informative, and as such we will be working with one today.

-Kyo lifts the sheet off of the operation table in front of him to reveal a single male heretic strapped to it, his eyes screaming wildly for help even though his body does not seem to be moving-

Fear not the straps are simply a precaution should the inordinate amount of immobilizing drugs wear off. You will be pleased to hear that the subject can, despite being unable to move his body, feel every ounce of the painful surgery about to be performed on him. The reason for said drugs is simply to make sure there is no chance of struggle and also to shut the whiney little bugger up. Anyway I shall begin.

I am making the first incision now, please note that the heretic has already been substantially cleansed to make sure no infection may spread. The first incision is a simple cut down the centre of the chest, very quick and and actually quite painless you’ll be disappointed to hear. Next I shall cut across the way and as you can see, this allows me to pull the skin back to reveal the chest and stomach. I will also point out at this stage that this is where DayDreamer and I differ. The brutal way in which he gains access to the body often provides very inaccurate assessments of the organs themselves. So today we shall simply cut through the sternum, and saw off the ribcage with a standard surgical power saw.

-Kyo lifts the small saw and as it whirs around the Heretic seems to look panicked. Kyo makes a clean cut through the ribcage and sternum and simply picks them out leaving access to the organs.-

As you can see by this point the heretic is loosing a lot of blood and so I will have to act fairly quickly. Notice at this point that we see the large lungs of the Heretic. Now as DayDreamer mentioned, Heretics often play bards, however, such a skill is simply making use of such powerful lungs that were actually developed by a deeper meaning.

-Kyo carefully takes the still breathing lungs from the body and holds them up for all to see-

As you can see the heretic’s breathing is quite normal at the moment. Despite his obvious pain and panic, the drugs also regulate his breathing. Now as you can see the lungs are nowhere near fully inflating. This is most curious I find as there seems to be no use for this extra space. At first I put this down to heretics being completely useless to the point of being unable to make use of perfectly good bagpipes…I mean lungs. Though on further inspection I discovered that the huge size of these lungs is in fact a defence mechanism. It is at this point that we must end our subjects life.

-Kyo pulls out a gun and shoots the Heretic in the side of the head. As he does the lungs fully inflate and then as they deflate the the Heretic let’s out a massive fart-

I advise you all to hold your noses as this is no ordinary fart. As all the air from the dying heretic’s lungs escapes it is pushed down an organ that leads to the lower regions of the body. This in turn causes the heretic to release all of the remaining methane gas in their bodies as a defence mechanism in an effort to kill those around them. Fortunately for us this genius defence mechanism can be countered by some Febreeze.

-Sprays Febreeze in the air-

Much better. Now these lungs can be removed and DayDreamer can have them for his bagpipe collection.
We move on now to the heart. As DayDreamer already informed you all this is quite small. This is yet another clever defence mechanism as if you do try to shoot a heretic in the heart, as you can see it is a smaller target and thus you are more likely to miss. This is yet more evidence that heretics are genetic cowards. Although my knowledge of cultish summoning and rituals is not vast, I can assume that DayDreamer was correct in stating how utterly useless these hearts are in such a practice. They are in fact quite useless as a whole, as the Heretic can live without a heart, which makes this tiny thing a mystery, much like the appendix. Although I recently discovered that the Appendix is what allows people to go “Super Saiyan” and so all those who have had it removed are very much up shit creek without a paddle, should Frieza try to steal the dragonballs.
Anyway moving on I will bring you to the reason heretics survive without hearts. The answer lies in the stomach, behind the instestines.

-Kyo begins digging in the stomach, fishing out the small and large instestines and slinging them over his shoulder. He then pulls out a strange organ that looks like a plum pip-

This my friends is an organ only found in heretics and in some strains of zombie. I have effectionately called it the Plumnut Gland due to it’s appearance. This is in fact a protective shell for the much smaller and more vital heart that is inside. As such to truly kill a heretic you must destroy this.

“UH! UH! AAAAAAGH”

Oh it seems out friend has awoken to find his brain blown to bits and his organs removed. I shall end this now.

-pulls out a nutcracker and cracks open the strange organ, shattering the tiny heart inside, at this point the Heretic stops screaming once again-

Now this heretic is in no fit state for the next part of my lecture and so I shall offer him to the cannibals in the front row.

-Kyo kicks the operating table and the heretic into the front row where the cannibals begin to devour it-

Now the next part is quite interesting indeed and does not strictly cover dissections I’m afraid.

-Kyo pulls the white sheet from behind him to reveal a bunch of computers and equipment hooked up to two brains jars-

Now the brain on the left, the slightly smaller one, belongs to the heretic. Again note that it is a harder target due to it’s tiny size. Another hint at their cowardly genetics.

In Daydreamer’s lecture we discovered that the heretic brain remains capable of functioning after removal from the body, though still at a very stupid level.
The brain in the right jar is that of one of my mutant hamsters, notice it is much bigger than the heretic brain.

Now the first test to conduct will help us discover what tweaks the sex drive of a heretic. Now if you look to the centre screen you will see images appearing that I will be sending, through electrical signals, to the brains of both subjects.

-first picture to appear is Pamela Anderson in a Baywatch swimsuit-

Now as you can see under each jar there is a bar that looks much like life support. This judges activity of the brain’s “perversity gland”. As you can see the hamster is going nuts. This is due to the Succubus part of the brain that was harboured from Meldream. Though as you can see the Heretic, barely a blip. This leads me to believe that heretic’s have absolutely no sex drive, or, this one wasn’t a breast man.

-the image switches to that of really bad Disney Porn-

The hamsters brain seems to have subsided, even sex demon fetishes aren’t that sick. Though as you can see the heretic brain is highly aroused. Thus I conclude that heretics are sick in the head when it comes to sex.

Next I shall test the brains on simple pleasures such as food, entertainment and music.

Now I will begin by playing the hit single by Hannah Montana – Best of Both Worlds.

-whole audience screams in horror as the song blares over the lecture theatre-

AS YOU CAN SEE THE HAMSTER’S BRAIN IS BEATING AGAINST THE GLASS, DEFYING THE LAWS OF SCIENCE IN ORDER TO KILL ITSELF IN ORDER TO ESCAPE THIS SOUND, MEANWHILE THE HERETIC BRAIN IS IN UTTER DELIGHT

-music stops-

This proves that heretics have no taste in music.

-Next L4D trailers begin to play-

Now as you can see the hamster brain is excited by the carnage of this game, and is desperate to play it. He obviously has good taste in gaming.
As you can see the heretic brain is equally excited. Though if we turn on this screen we can read the thoughts of the heretic. As you can see here, the heretic is pleased because he thinks that tank looks a bit like his mother.
I conclude that heretics are terrible gamers with very ugly parents.


Next I will manipulate the senses of both brains to have them think they are feasting on beef cup ramen.

-types a few things on a computer then hits enter-

As you can see the delight bar of the hamster is full. Hamsters love cup ramen. However the heretic’s bar is in the negatives, showing that heretics do not like cup ramen.

Next Time we will be performing tests on live heretics. Also we will see what happens when you genetically engineer my hamster mutants to incorporate heretic brains. GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY!