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Food Demystified
TimeDragon888 Sat Aug 28, 2010 6:57 am
Originally posted by Wstfgl on 21 Jan 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=250608#p250608
"Food is edible."
- Captain Obvious on Food
"Don't feed the Wstfgl!"
- A bumper sticker that ought to exist, but doesn't
"FROG BLAST THE VENT CORE!"
- Xillian on off-topic spam
Food. It is one of those things you cannot go without; an ordinary human cannot live for more than a month without it, and despite being immortal, even the Great Shelled One, Wstfgl, gets irritable without it and tends to start blowing up cities without notice. As it is quite clear, food is one of the neccesities of everyday life, and this is reflected in Ye Boocke Offe Ye Ages.
Ye Boocke Offe Ye Ages has several volumes dedicated exclusively to the enjoyment of food and guidelines pertaining to it - some of the most famous of the volumes, like The Book of Donuts, being among them. Within them are distilled the accumulated knowledge of the Holy Triumvirate pertaining to food of all types and what not to eat. In the Good Old Days, when the life expectancy was about 25 and buildings got washed away in heavy rains, the followers of the Triumvirate followed these guidelines to the letter. Even when the letters were in Hebrew, they still tried to to the best of their ability.
However, in this fast-changing modern era, people have started abandoning their morals, and succumbing to the temptations of Forbidden Food, things whose consumption in the early days would have led to death by well-placed lightning bolt. Even worse, some people unknowingly commit blasphemy of the highest order by bringing these unholy victuals into holy ground! This guide will enlighten you on what is good to eat, and what isn't.
[size=150]Jelly Beans In Mayonnaise[/size]
Jelly beans are nice. Mayonnaise is nice too. However, putting them together does not ensue into something doubly nice, but creates a sacreligious monstrosity of the highest order. As the Book of Donuts said, "Thou Shalt Not Partake Of Jelly Beans Slathered In Mayonnaise."
To test this, the Lie-Whackers, Knobbly Savage and Jamie Hymen, were called in to demonstrate. In a series of taste tests, they determined that both jelly beans and mayonnaise were perfectly harmless on their own, and tasted pretty good when combined with the right ingredients.
However, the insurance company did not cover for death or injury from consumption of jelly beans, so the Lie-Whackers wisely stood out of the picture while a random heretic partaked of a mixture of jelly beans and mayonnaise. Very promptly, he regurgitated the food violently and sputtered something about it being 'totally disgusting', and was then dragged away by a mysterious hooded man with a chainsaw. There were sounds of screams and revving chainsaws from offstage, and those who reviewed the CCTV tape footage could not sleep for months after that incident.
When this test was repeated on holy ground due to audience requests, the subject was eaten by a roaming gargoyle before he could even taste the stuff. From this and the previous tests, the statement in the Book of Donuts has been unequivocally confirmed.
[size=150]Pineapples on Pizza[/size]
The term 'regional specialties' can be used to justify the creation of all sorts of weird and sometimes wonderful foods, from haggis to boiled cockroaches. It has been used to lure tourists into trying strange, vile and often mildly poisonous foods, and has often left a traveller with a bad impression of that country's culinary standards. However, there is at least one thing whose horrible taste cannot be forgiven even with the judicious use of the phrase "regional specialty" -- that happens to be the result of putting pineapples on pizza.
In Wstfgl's eyes, pineapples are classified as inedible, and are not to be consumed; however, as this is not an official commandment, worshippers are free to partake of pineapples as they please. Pizza's also a good thing, and there are no restrictions against eating pizza in the commandments. However, the unholy union of the two is something that should never have been invented. In fact, it causes the Great Shelled One to lie awake at nights wondering why the hell he permitted the existence of pineapples and pizza in the same universe.
Consuming pineapples on pizza is especially not to be undertaken on holy grounds, as several incidents involving the mysterious disappearance of initiate devotees after calling for pizza delivery. In these incidents, there is often no trace of the devotee in question, but his room would appear to have been decorated by a rather fetching if inexpertly applied coat of blood-red paint.
[size=150]
Boots[/size]
The consumption of boots is often classified as pica, a psychological disorder that causes the compulsion to ingest apparently inedible things. (Wstfgl believes all pineapple eaters to have been afflicted by pica, but that's another story.) However, boots of the right type can be very nutritious in their own way - leather boots are made from 100% organic material, and thus probably contain a fair amount of digestible substances (never mind that the provenance of the carbohydrates is mainly from cow skin, caked mud, chicken shit used in the tanning process, paint of uncertain origin and flourishing microscopic fauna).
An example of point is that of the Second Library Cafe Expedition. This expedition was launched by students of the former Unheard-of University into the depths of L-Space in an attempt to find the Lost Library Cafe, a hypothetical cafe whose existence was postulated from the fact that most good libraries have a cafe to sip overpriced espressos, and that Unheard-of University's library showed a conspicuous lack of cafe.
The expedition went horribly wrong, and when the expedition was recovered a month later, bedraggled, tired and delirious about espressos, they reported no signs of success, having found nothing but the remains of the First Library Cafe Expedition. But how did they survive the ordeal of starving for an entire month?
Bert D'Eath, a former Unheard-Of University student and member of the expedition, recounts the story. [size=85]WE WERE TRAPPED IN THE LIBRARY, BUT CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, WE DID NOT EAT THE BOOKS -- THEY WERE BETTER USED AS TOILET PAPER. WE SURVIVED ONLY BY EATING OUR OWN BOOTS, SOCKS, SOLES AND ALL. ON THE TWENTY-THIRD DAY, WE ENCOUNTERED THE REMAINS OF THE PREVIOUS YEAR'S EXPEDITION. WE WERE TOO DELIRIOUS AND TIRED TO GIVE THEM A PROPER FUNERAL -- WHAT WE DID WAS TO EAT THEIR BOOTS. I BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT HELPED US TO SURVIVE.[/size]
As you can see, boots are not just to cover your feet, but can also be used as emergency rations. However, the consumption of non-leather shoes made in China is highly inadvisable, and should not be attempted unless in mortal peril.
[size=150]Spaghetti with Custard[/size]
Contrary to popular belief, spaghetti with custard is actually edible, and tastes really good when sprinkled with some coconut. Despite it being a product of late-night cooking while drunk (the combination of ingredients makes perfect sense. But it's not the same kind of sense you would use at say, lunchtime.), several independent witnesses have confirmed that it is one of the few late-night dishes that you might sample at midday. Of course, the fine print was that they would only dare to touch it if their cognitive abilities had been mildly impaired with a mild concussion.
As Jamie Hymen of the Lie-Whackers succinctly puts it, "It actually tastes pretty good. It looks totally disgusting when you first look at it, but once you dare to sample it, you'll realize that it's flavour is actually rather piquant and unique, although it is somewhat an acquired taste. It would be passed off perfectly well if presented as a 'regional specialty'. A note to all viewers out there -- remember to try it with the coconut!"
[size=150]
Humans[/size]
As mentioned in previous lectures, they taste good when taken with mustard and some fried onions. This has been independently verified with several well-known dragons, a man-eating chimaera (interview undertaken with great peril), the Woog'Khut'Ping cannibal tribe and the Seventh Library Cafe Expedition, who ate the remains of the Sixth Library Cafe Expedition when they ran out of boots.
This concludes this brief sermon on food. I hope you will leave this sermon more enlightened on this topic, and strongly encourage you to [s]conjure up bullshit from nowhere[/s] read between the lines and find enlightenment and deeper meaning in this text.
FOOD - Demystified!
"Food is edible."
- Captain Obvious on Food
"Don't feed the Wstfgl!"
- A bumper sticker that ought to exist, but doesn't
"FROG BLAST THE VENT CORE!"
- Xillian on off-topic spam
Food. It is one of those things you cannot go without; an ordinary human cannot live for more than a month without it, and despite being immortal, even the Great Shelled One, Wstfgl, gets irritable without it and tends to start blowing up cities without notice. As it is quite clear, food is one of the neccesities of everyday life, and this is reflected in Ye Boocke Offe Ye Ages.
Ye Boocke Offe Ye Ages has several volumes dedicated exclusively to the enjoyment of food and guidelines pertaining to it - some of the most famous of the volumes, like The Book of Donuts, being among them. Within them are distilled the accumulated knowledge of the Holy Triumvirate pertaining to food of all types and what not to eat. In the Good Old Days, when the life expectancy was about 25 and buildings got washed away in heavy rains, the followers of the Triumvirate followed these guidelines to the letter. Even when the letters were in Hebrew, they still tried to to the best of their ability.
However, in this fast-changing modern era, people have started abandoning their morals, and succumbing to the temptations of Forbidden Food, things whose consumption in the early days would have led to death by well-placed lightning bolt. Even worse, some people unknowingly commit blasphemy of the highest order by bringing these unholy victuals into holy ground! This guide will enlighten you on what is good to eat, and what isn't.
[size=150]Jelly Beans In Mayonnaise[/size]
Jelly beans are nice. Mayonnaise is nice too. However, putting them together does not ensue into something doubly nice, but creates a sacreligious monstrosity of the highest order. As the Book of Donuts said, "Thou Shalt Not Partake Of Jelly Beans Slathered In Mayonnaise."
To test this, the Lie-Whackers, Knobbly Savage and Jamie Hymen, were called in to demonstrate. In a series of taste tests, they determined that both jelly beans and mayonnaise were perfectly harmless on their own, and tasted pretty good when combined with the right ingredients.
However, the insurance company did not cover for death or injury from consumption of jelly beans, so the Lie-Whackers wisely stood out of the picture while a random heretic partaked of a mixture of jelly beans and mayonnaise. Very promptly, he regurgitated the food violently and sputtered something about it being 'totally disgusting', and was then dragged away by a mysterious hooded man with a chainsaw. There were sounds of screams and revving chainsaws from offstage, and those who reviewed the CCTV tape footage could not sleep for months after that incident.
When this test was repeated on holy ground due to audience requests, the subject was eaten by a roaming gargoyle before he could even taste the stuff. From this and the previous tests, the statement in the Book of Donuts has been unequivocally confirmed.
[size=150]Pineapples on Pizza[/size]
The term 'regional specialties' can be used to justify the creation of all sorts of weird and sometimes wonderful foods, from haggis to boiled cockroaches. It has been used to lure tourists into trying strange, vile and often mildly poisonous foods, and has often left a traveller with a bad impression of that country's culinary standards. However, there is at least one thing whose horrible taste cannot be forgiven even with the judicious use of the phrase "regional specialty" -- that happens to be the result of putting pineapples on pizza.
In Wstfgl's eyes, pineapples are classified as inedible, and are not to be consumed; however, as this is not an official commandment, worshippers are free to partake of pineapples as they please. Pizza's also a good thing, and there are no restrictions against eating pizza in the commandments. However, the unholy union of the two is something that should never have been invented. In fact, it causes the Great Shelled One to lie awake at nights wondering why the hell he permitted the existence of pineapples and pizza in the same universe.
Consuming pineapples on pizza is especially not to be undertaken on holy grounds, as several incidents involving the mysterious disappearance of initiate devotees after calling for pizza delivery. In these incidents, there is often no trace of the devotee in question, but his room would appear to have been decorated by a rather fetching if inexpertly applied coat of blood-red paint.
[size=150]
Boots[/size]
The consumption of boots is often classified as pica, a psychological disorder that causes the compulsion to ingest apparently inedible things. (Wstfgl believes all pineapple eaters to have been afflicted by pica, but that's another story.) However, boots of the right type can be very nutritious in their own way - leather boots are made from 100% organic material, and thus probably contain a fair amount of digestible substances (never mind that the provenance of the carbohydrates is mainly from cow skin, caked mud, chicken shit used in the tanning process, paint of uncertain origin and flourishing microscopic fauna).
An example of point is that of the Second Library Cafe Expedition. This expedition was launched by students of the former Unheard-of University into the depths of L-Space in an attempt to find the Lost Library Cafe, a hypothetical cafe whose existence was postulated from the fact that most good libraries have a cafe to sip overpriced espressos, and that Unheard-of University's library showed a conspicuous lack of cafe.
The expedition went horribly wrong, and when the expedition was recovered a month later, bedraggled, tired and delirious about espressos, they reported no signs of success, having found nothing but the remains of the First Library Cafe Expedition. But how did they survive the ordeal of starving for an entire month?
Bert D'Eath, a former Unheard-Of University student and member of the expedition, recounts the story. [size=85]WE WERE TRAPPED IN THE LIBRARY, BUT CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF, WE DID NOT EAT THE BOOKS -- THEY WERE BETTER USED AS TOILET PAPER. WE SURVIVED ONLY BY EATING OUR OWN BOOTS, SOCKS, SOLES AND ALL. ON THE TWENTY-THIRD DAY, WE ENCOUNTERED THE REMAINS OF THE PREVIOUS YEAR'S EXPEDITION. WE WERE TOO DELIRIOUS AND TIRED TO GIVE THEM A PROPER FUNERAL -- WHAT WE DID WAS TO EAT THEIR BOOTS. I BELIEVE THAT IS WHAT HELPED US TO SURVIVE.[/size]
As you can see, boots are not just to cover your feet, but can also be used as emergency rations. However, the consumption of non-leather shoes made in China is highly inadvisable, and should not be attempted unless in mortal peril.
[size=150]Spaghetti with Custard[/size]
Contrary to popular belief, spaghetti with custard is actually edible, and tastes really good when sprinkled with some coconut. Despite it being a product of late-night cooking while drunk (the combination of ingredients makes perfect sense. But it's not the same kind of sense you would use at say, lunchtime.), several independent witnesses have confirmed that it is one of the few late-night dishes that you might sample at midday. Of course, the fine print was that they would only dare to touch it if their cognitive abilities had been mildly impaired with a mild concussion.
As Jamie Hymen of the Lie-Whackers succinctly puts it, "It actually tastes pretty good. It looks totally disgusting when you first look at it, but once you dare to sample it, you'll realize that it's flavour is actually rather piquant and unique, although it is somewhat an acquired taste. It would be passed off perfectly well if presented as a 'regional specialty'. A note to all viewers out there -- remember to try it with the coconut!"
[size=150]
Humans[/size]
As mentioned in previous lectures, they taste good when taken with mustard and some fried onions. This has been independently verified with several well-known dragons, a man-eating chimaera (interview undertaken with great peril), the Woog'Khut'Ping cannibal tribe and the Seventh Library Cafe Expedition, who ate the remains of the Sixth Library Cafe Expedition when they ran out of boots.
This concludes this brief sermon on food. I hope you will leave this sermon more enlightened on this topic, and strongly encourage you to [s]conjure up bullshit from nowhere[/s] read between the lines and find enlightenment and deeper meaning in this text.
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