Beans

[TimeDragon888]

Originally posted by TimeDragon888 on 16 Jan 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=247928#p247928

BEANS.

Official definition of beans according to triumvirationary.com:

-noun
The non-edible, highly toxic seed or fruit of various plants of the leg-u-me family. Known to cause concentrated amounts of noxious fumes to build up in one’s gut almost instantly.

Beans. Ever since the dawn of time, they have existed. The very first manifestation of beans was not in their innocent, bean-like shape we see today. In fact, they were very, very different indeed.

Let us refer to the Boocke of Genesis. In the beginning, right smack in the middle of the garden of Even (not the garden of Odd, that’s a totally different place), there was the first bean plant. Although the physical properties of this plant was not described, specialized Triumviratologists have ‘read in between the lines’, and have concluded that the ancient bean was nothing anyone has imagined before.

“When I first discovered the truth, I was so shocked, I locked myself in a cardboard box for three days and three nights,” says Dr. Waggawhooga, head researcher of the Boocke of Ye Ages. “It was terrible, I tell you. By the way, could I interest you in some souvenirs?”

Yes, indeed, I am sure we all feel the same terror as Dr Waggawhooga when he first revealed the truth. What exactly did the bean look like? From where did it come from? Is it tasty when eaten with firearms? All these questions, and more, will be answered shortly.

Firstly, let us get Dr. Waggawhooga’s explanation of how the original wild bean looked like.

“It was horrible, I tell you, horrible! The outer shell was blue and yellow, was as hard as concrete, and had the words “F*** OFF” written clearly in bright red across its middle. Spikes covered its every exposed surface. I don’t know how Steve managed to even get it off the tree, really. Inside was even worse. Four seeds were located inside the fruit, twisted at weird angles that burned one’s eyes. They resembled the letters ‘T’, ‘I’, ‘H’ and ‘S’ to normal, mortal beings. They were blood red, oozed a blasphemous purple goo, and smelt of rotten fish.”

At this point, Dr Waggawhooga broke down into tears, unable to continue his horrendous description any further. Now, before anyone tears his robes in agony or something similar, let us move on to the second question: From where did this terrible spawn of nature come from?

Now, we consult renowned Japanese biologist, Prof. Futanari-moe, on his opinion on this disturbing matter.

“Hai, arigato gozaimasu. Now, mai researchers back at Tokyo University think that this ‘bean’ may have cume from Wstfgrl chaos experiment! (O.O) And also Wstfgrl may have try to make pie, but fail and make bean-”

At this point, Prof. Futanari-moe was mysteriously struck by lightning. Regrettably, we could not get his remains to continue the explanation. Thus, the provenance of the bean remains a mystery.

Finally, the ultimate question: Are beans tasty when eaten with firearms?

To answer this, let us invite Mr. Knobbly Savage and Mr. Jamie Hymen to check this myth. Mr Knobbly, please.

“Yes, thank you,” Mr Knobbly said, while vibrating a cooking pan in his right hand. “As you can see, I am currently trying to pan-fry the bean together with a .44 Magnum. Ah, it’s done! Let’s give it to one of our onstage audience members to try it out!”

At this point, a young man was called on stage. Upon eating the bean, a mysterious bolt of electricity hit him from the ceiling, turning him into ashes.

“Hmm… That result is not conclusive,” Mr. Hymen commented wisely. “Perhaps it is the problem with the gun we’re using. Quick, bring me a 12-gauge shotgun!”

The same process was repeated. This time, an old woman was hit by a stone tortoise that mysteriously appeared on the ceiling. Her remains could not be [s]found[/s] coaxed into telling how it tasted like.

“The myth’s not looking good!” shouted Mr Knobbly. “Bring out the Dillon Aero minigun! If that doesn’t make it taste good, NOTHING will!”

At this point, a video was played about the two men cooking hamburgers with Dillon Aero miniguns and declaring them to be very tasty.

So, as the audience cheered and clapped, the minigun was brought in. It was sautéed with fried onions and the bean. Finally, they called out an excited Bean Fan to test it out. He popped the bean into his mouth and chewed for a while. Nothing happened.

Then a masked man walked in carrying a chainsaw, grabbed the Bean Fan by the collar, and dragged him backstage. Sounds of screaming followed shortly after. And then, an ominous silence.

“… What do you think of this myth?” Mr Knobbly asked Mr Hymen.

“Busted. Definitely busted.”

And we return to our concluding message for this week’s sermon. Remember folks: Beans are bad, evil, bad, filled with flatulence, bad, nasty, and did I mention bad? The moral of today’s sermon is: NEVER EAT BEANS.