Dress Right For The Job!

[TimeDragon888]

Originally posted by Wstfgl on 12 Feb 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=257886#p257886

Dress Right For The Job!

Ever been laughed at by local militia as you entered a village at the head of your indestructible robot army? Ever had a protagonist laugh at your fashion sense before brutally ending your reign of terror (albeit temporarily) with a gigantic sword? Well, that very probably means that you aren't intimidating-looking enough. As Preacher Echelon as famously said, "looking scary is worth half the weapons you are carrying." Now, Wstfgl is going to show you how to dress right for evil overlordship.

1. Evil Black Robe and Cloak

This is one of the most basic Evil Overlord uniforms. It might provide very little protection, it being just cloth and all, but it works well on a tight budget, and is almost impossible to wear wrongly. Add a couple of suitable skulls (ram skulls or human skulls work best, don't use mouse skulls unless you're the sort who goes 'Teeheeheehee'), some evil black rod of necromantic doom (can be substituted for relevant evil-looking weapon), and you're good to go! Having glowing eyes under the hood is very useful, and adds significantly to your intimidation level. Also, if you can levitate, that is a very good bonus.

It is also useful to have a few scars displayed obviously, so everyone knows you are a total badass.

2. Full-Body Suit of Plate Armour

This outfit happens to be the favourite choice of several A-list Evil Villains, like Sauron, the Lich King and others. This outfit provides very, very good protection if forged from evil alloys infused with unearthly substances (you should have some of those if you're a self-respecting evil overlord), but can significantly impede movement, so being able to levitate is a good bonus too. This outfit may go wrong in a number of ways (never, ever use shiny stainless steel or tinfoil, and stay away from using plumes on the helmet), but can look extremely intimidating if you get the right accessories- a crown, evil-looking spikes and swirling darkness underneath the helm. This look goes especially well when paired with an nasty two-handed greatsword.

3. Cybernetic Prosthetics

This look can be quite effective, as the Borg and CATS from Zero Wing demonstrate. However, if you get the WRONG kind of cybernetic prosthetic, like a campy red antenna, you end up looking like a high-tech Teletubby and get booed off your throne (besides making Wstfgl decidedly annoyed, of course). This may not bring much in the way of protection, but it grants you a lot of utility - you can make yourself stronger, faster and better, install a Swiss Army knife in place of a hand, inject your bloodstream with nanites to make yourself immortal invulnerable, get an evil cyborg eye for X-Ray Vision (helps if you're a particularly perverted villain) and others.

4. Being a robot/almost totally robotic

It worked for Darth Vader and the Terminator, so why not for you? This is especially intimidating if you have an evil-looking face mask a la Darth Vader, and the mask lets you doze off if your Chief Scientists' description of your new superweapon bores you. Get a good voice synthesizer, and preferably breathe raspily and cough for best effects. If you speak too slowly, you sound like Stephen Hawking, so you might need a rehearsed script. Of course, if you repeat it too often, you sound like a Random NPC, and that cannot be good.

This gives you the added benefit of being invulnerable to small arms fire and giving you immortality. I'm sure that makes up for charging your batteries every half an hour.

5. Severe mutation

Who doesn't want to grow into a fifty-foot-large giant fetus? Okay, almost everyone, but that was only a rhetorical question. Remember, only mutate in moderation, or you look like a reject from Spore's Creature Creator. However, this gives you the advantage of having lots of extra tentacles to spare, and if you do it right, an invulnerable chitin carapace and greatly increased regeneration rates. If you happen to be extremely perverted/Japanese, you could do interesting things with the tentacles and the hero's love...

*trails off*

6. Abandoning your physical body

It worked for Sauron, so why not for you? Abandoning your physical body and turning into a gigantic fiery floating eye/evil wraith thing capable of blasting peoples' brains out through their nostrils/a giant cloud of darkness can be very, very intimidating. Just remember to get the size right, as several amateur evil overlords have demonstrated to their expense.

Evil Overlord: Muahahahaha! I have become something greater than you can ever imagine!

Protagonist: You're two inches wide. That's totally pathetic, dude.

Evil Overlord: NOOOOOO! *Implodes*

However, this grants much in the way of utility, seeing that you can go through walls and barriers to endanger the protagonist's childhood love, and things like that.

7. Hockey Mask and Hooded Jersey

This look is a classic, and is a favourite of murderous 'Steak-Knife Murderers' and the like all over the world. This, due to the influence of pop culture, is extremely intimidating, as long as you get it right. Remember, use dark colours for the jersey, as dressing in pink would make everyone think you're a seven-year-old girl trapped in a chainsaw murderer's body. Also, don't get the wrong mask - if you get a Hello Kitty one and wear the pink jersey, you'll have confirmed ALL of our suspicions, and we'll give you a Barbie Doll and politely boot you out.

This look should be combined with a chainsaw, or any miscellaneous lethal house-hold items, like steak knives strapped to your fingers. Getting some blood stains on the jersey (try your local butcher if you need blood quickly) is a must, too.

8. White, Starched Tuxedo

A favourite of James Bond villains everywhere, as well as Hgdjvp and James Bond himself. This look, if assisted by your personal butler (YOU MEAN YOU DON'T HAVE ONE?), may not look intimidating, but exudes charm and elegance and makes you a hit with the ladies. And seeing that you look so much like the hero, why not go and woo his girlfriend too?

However, this might end up in an awkward situation if your henchmen mistake you for the protagonist in question, due to the similarity of your outfits.

9. Clown Makeup

Well, you know Heath Ledger's award-winning performance in the Dark Knight? This is something like it, and if you smudge it appropriately, you won't look like a Krusty cosplayer but like a sadistic psychopath. Just stay away from the stripy overalls, the red nose and the big shoes - instead of exuding awesome, you'll just look like a sad escapee from the circus. That is highly inadvisable, and will cause everyone to laugh, not because you're funny, but because you're a pathetic loser.

10. STARCHED BEIGE TRENCHCOAT

This is a look so evil it should have been banned by several human rights conventions by now. Although this is not intimidating on its own, if you ominously dance into your fortress of evil with the right theme song playing (you know, the one called "Never Gonna Give You Up"), and net-savvy protagonists will flee, soiling their pants, and your minions, despite being unable to dance, would suddenly do some totally incredible acrobatics. Never mind if you sound like Alvin the Chipmunk with a flu - that would just increase the intimidation factor somewhat.

Disclaimer: This is not an exhaustive list of all possibilities - there are many other perfectly intimidating if a little cliched ones out there. If you know any other good ones that I did not have the space or time to include here, suggest them in this thread.

[TimeDragon888]

Originally posted by Wstfgl on 11 Feb 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=257899#p257899

And due to overwhelming demand, here are more evil looks to try!

11. Fussy Moustache and Monocle

This is generally paired with the general outfit mentioned below. A fussy moustache did work for Hitler, and most of us agree he's one of the most evil men of the 20th century. Although this outfit would make you look distinguished in some cases, it will very often make you look like a James Bond villain reject, and of course, you don't want to have National Guardsmen laughing at you, right?

12. General Uniform

Don't you love showing off your ability to slaughter millions of innocent <insert ethnic group here>s by wearing a ceremonial general uniform with lots of sparkly medals you don't deserve? Okay, you might not, but there's nothing denying that lots of notorious dictators do, making it sort of evil by association. This outfit, when paired with 11 and a beer belly, is a sure-fire way for disaster. This outfit generally comes with an ornate ceremonial sword thing, so don't leave it out.

13. Giant Mecha

This isn't really a costume, considering that you could be in your birthday suit while piloting it, but since the robot is all that the victims you're terrorizing see (unless you got a dodgy design with an OPEN COCKPIT *gasp*), it's essential for first impressions. More information about Giant Powered Armour suits can be found in the Build Your Own Power Armour sermon here.

14. Flayed Human Skins

Similar to the Evil Black Robe and Cloak, the Flayed Human Skins is the number one choice for evil witch doctors and demons everywhere. This works well when you have some shrunken missionary heads and a big iron pot. I recommend having a Jamaican or Cuban accent to go with it, as that completes the effect. However, if you are aiming for the 'Evil Flesh-Flaying Demon' look, you'll need horns, wings, hooves, and other accessories that look that they were ported from Diablo.

15. Furry Suit

Okay, cardboard claws might not be in the least bit intimidating... but once you see the velcro flap on the groin area...

Protagonist: Ha! Foolish villain! I have caught you unaware with your mistress in bed!

Villain in Furry Suit: *Gets up, pulls down velcro flap* Teeheeheehee!

Protagonist: AAURGHHH *Froths at mouth, dies*

Ahem. I suppose you see the power of the Furry Suit now...