HomeLife... What's It Good For?
Page 1 of 1
Life... What's It Good For?
TimeDragon888 Sat Aug 28, 2010 7:13 am
Originally posted by Wstfgl on 6 Feb 2009. Link here: http://surrealtwilight.com/viewtopic.php?p=256571#p256571
Life... What's It Good For?
I'm sure you probably have heard of this mysterious entity called 'Life' that non-S*T users (who are heretics, but never mind about that) possess. You might have heard of its various uses, like getting a tan, getting laid, getting wasted, getting crushed by an 18-wheeler while streaking across a road at midnight, and things like that, and you might even have POSSESSED IT BEFORE!
However, most of the above-mentioned uses are generally of no consequence for us good devotees, so I'm here to share what else you could do with this mysterious and under-utilized resource.
1. Use It To Generate Limitless, Clean Power
It is quite possible to extract the energy inherent in life to generate clean power. This produces no greenhouse emissions and the only fuel required is an adequate supply of extroverted cheerleaders or other people who are generally held to 'have a life'. Also, the best bit is that life quickly regenerates as long as you don't remove all of it in one go. One of the known mechanisms that cause this miraculous regeneration is called "Getting Wasted". No one knows why its name is called that, since the regeneration of life allows the generation of limitless amounts of energy. So, what is wasted, anyway?
2. Use it for diabolical super-weapons
If you're of the more diabolical persuasion, you can use the energy from Life to power diabolical psychic weapons capable of killing everyone in a city at one go/turning them all into lifeless zombies. This is an extremely effective way to cause mass destruction and ransom the UN for several trillion dollars, but you'll need a very large supply of cheerleaders to power it in order to release all that energy in one mighty burst.
3. Earn Heaps of Money
It is known that 'Getting A Life' is a lucrative means of earning money. The procedure is listed below:
1. Get A Life.
2. ???
3. Profit!
4. Gaining Happiness
For those with No Life, Life is a powerful intoxicant, and can make you feel that your place in the universe is extremely significant. This can lead to prophetic revelations, extreme euphoria or just having a smashing good time counting the rosebushes floating by. Side effects include nausea, vomiting, having your skin colour darkened, an increased risk of skin cancer, death, insanity or ending up 50 km from home, smelling of alcohol and penniless and clutching someone else's underwear for some reason or another.
5. Get One For Yourself
It is rumoured that the Kindly Scholars are attempting this by sapping Life from hapless newbies. It is possible that the Kindly Scholars who have left S*T are those who have already gotten one, and see no need to hang around here. (Halfangel exempted, of course.) However, it is believed that prolonged exposure to Life will cause detrimental effects to mental and physical health, and should be avoided at all costs.
WARNING: Life is a powerful intoxicant and has a variety of embarrassing and possibly lethal side effects as mentioned above, and prolonged exposure to Life causes genetic mutation, fecundity, smiling too much, extreme stress, nervous breakdowns, suicide and Children.
I hope you have found this sermon on Life informative and very possibly entertaining. Thank you.
Life... What's It Good For?
I'm sure you probably have heard of this mysterious entity called 'Life' that non-S*T users (who are heretics, but never mind about that) possess. You might have heard of its various uses, like getting a tan, getting laid, getting wasted, getting crushed by an 18-wheeler while streaking across a road at midnight, and things like that, and you might even have POSSESSED IT BEFORE!
However, most of the above-mentioned uses are generally of no consequence for us good devotees, so I'm here to share what else you could do with this mysterious and under-utilized resource.
1. Use It To Generate Limitless, Clean Power
It is quite possible to extract the energy inherent in life to generate clean power. This produces no greenhouse emissions and the only fuel required is an adequate supply of extroverted cheerleaders or other people who are generally held to 'have a life'. Also, the best bit is that life quickly regenerates as long as you don't remove all of it in one go. One of the known mechanisms that cause this miraculous regeneration is called "Getting Wasted". No one knows why its name is called that, since the regeneration of life allows the generation of limitless amounts of energy. So, what is wasted, anyway?
2. Use it for diabolical super-weapons
If you're of the more diabolical persuasion, you can use the energy from Life to power diabolical psychic weapons capable of killing everyone in a city at one go/turning them all into lifeless zombies. This is an extremely effective way to cause mass destruction and ransom the UN for several trillion dollars, but you'll need a very large supply of cheerleaders to power it in order to release all that energy in one mighty burst.
3. Earn Heaps of Money
It is known that 'Getting A Life' is a lucrative means of earning money. The procedure is listed below:
1. Get A Life.
2. ???
3. Profit!
4. Gaining Happiness
For those with No Life, Life is a powerful intoxicant, and can make you feel that your place in the universe is extremely significant. This can lead to prophetic revelations, extreme euphoria or just having a smashing good time counting the rosebushes floating by. Side effects include nausea, vomiting, having your skin colour darkened, an increased risk of skin cancer, death, insanity or ending up 50 km from home, smelling of alcohol and penniless and clutching someone else's underwear for some reason or another.
5. Get One For Yourself
It is rumoured that the Kindly Scholars are attempting this by sapping Life from hapless newbies. It is possible that the Kindly Scholars who have left S*T are those who have already gotten one, and see no need to hang around here. (Halfangel exempted, of course.) However, it is believed that prolonged exposure to Life will cause detrimental effects to mental and physical health, and should be avoided at all costs.
WARNING: Life is a powerful intoxicant and has a variety of embarrassing and possibly lethal side effects as mentioned above, and prolonged exposure to Life causes genetic mutation, fecundity, smiling too much, extreme stress, nervous breakdowns, suicide and Children.
I hope you have found this sermon on Life informative and very possibly entertaining. Thank you.
TimeDragon888- Admin
- Posts : 68
Join date : 2010-08-28 -
Page 1 of 1
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum